Ask The Love Doctor
This new Q&A column is going really well so far and it’s all because of YOU. Keeping sending in those questions! This week is a little lengthy because we have so many questions rolling in and we want to respond in a timely manner! Confidentiality is completely honored and respected, so don’t be shy! Contact information is at the bottom. In the meantime, enjoy the latest Q&A for this week!
Dr. Love, Am I paranoid; or is my husband of 7 months; fiance of 6 years cheating on me. Before there were some occurrences that I had forgiven and of course not forgotten that happened some time ago. I am noticing some of the same signs that I had before; which turned a sister into Nancy Drew. Now after all of this I was never able to confirm actual infidelity but there was definitely some lying and suspicion going down…-Mrs. Paranoid
*More information was disclosed off the record in efforts for Dr. Love to provide an insightful response*
Dr. Love:
Mrs. Paranoid,
The first thing that stood out for me is that this is your second marriage. It is obvious that your first marriage did not workout, and your current husband was not given a clean slate. I am sure it’s safe to say if your current husband does something similar that your ex-husband did in the past, then you have an automatic thought process of what you think he is doing or done occurs. It happens a lot in relationships and it is something that I too have been guilty of. It is important that you put your previous relationship behind you, or it will continue to affect your current one. You said it is hard for you to discuss his past, and “it’s like pulling teeth”, because he knows that you will use those things against in a negative way. When men usually get out of a relationship, and it’s really over, there is nothing to talk about. Women seem to always break-up with their ex’s, and sometime after become friends again. Women appear to be more willing to talk about their past relationship more, because they usually talk to their ex’s more then men. The last 3 sentences vary on the types of break-ups, and who broke-up with who. The person that usually is the one to “get dumped” is usually the one who reaches out to their ex more. It does not matter if they are both in relationships or not, it’s just the way it is. Mrs. Paranoid If you truly love him then you need to trust him. Going through his phone is not cool no matter what, and because you’re married he still deserves his privacy. He must have a life outside of you, and you should not constantly call him or text him when he is not in your presence. You have to give him the opportunity to miss you, and if you talk to him every hour on the hour then that will never happen.
Another topic I would like to touch on. In reference to your (Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E.’s) last post on sensitivity; I am going through what I think is the battle of my life and I feel as though he is not concerned; it seems that when he is “listening” he is not. Every answer is like some version of uhh I don’t know; or me too like he is trying to one up me. I have tried everything I know to keep the lines of communication open and I almost feel like giving up…It wasn’t this bad before we said “I do!” Any suggestions before I call it quits? -Mrs. Paranoid
Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E.:
Mrs. Paranoid,
This is a tough question to answer and I don’t know the whole situation, so it’s hard to determine what I feel to be the best approach. I always say “Conversation rules the Nation”, and just like a radio DJ you have to find affective ways to communicate to your audience to get the best response. Obviously he is frustrated by something as well. He possibly could be overwhelmed by your whole “battle for your life” as you call it and it’s hard from him to handle. Like I said I’m not sure, but when it comes to communication, sometimes when you ask questions you should ask them in clever ways to things that he enjoys or relates too. For instance I’m really into working out and if it’s clear I’m having a bad day (for whatever reason) the worst thing you could ask me is “are you okay” you could related the question and revise it by saying something like “Someone stole your dumb bell at the gym sweetie” or “Someone took your machine?” “Well we will work out it out on the next one baby”…. that can open him up and spark the lines of communication.
Sometimes no matter how clear you speak into the mic you he still has to be tuned in to your signal.
With more and more women being professionals and working outside the home, do men still expect them to have traditional roles. Example, make the mans plate for dinner? Cook and clean the house? What traditions are men willing to bend?-New Millennium Chick
Dr. Love: The Answer is YES. The role of the woman has not changed, and the same can be said for man. The only thing I can see that can be bent is making the man’s plate. You can continue to cook and I will make my own plate. The luxury of having a professional woman/wife is more money to spend (ex. Coach purses, Baby Phat, Deron, etc…) The materialistic things women want now-a-days are not the same compared to women 40 years ago. The reality is most professional women incomes are not saved and not invested in things like 401k.
Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E.: Yeah I heard that too and yep why not! I wouldn’t say I’d demand it or even expect it..Okay before I go into that. I’m not really sure if more women working is a valid excuse unless their schedules are really conflicting with one another. My mother has worked her whole entire life and she still cooks and makes my dad’s plate. I personally don’t know too many women that do not work from when I was a child till now. I think it’s about showing that you’re a help mate to your spouse. And I think it should go both ways whoever cooks should serve the plate. I like to cook myself so I wouldn’t mind splitting up who will Cook and how we will do the cleaning.
What would interest a man to wait for marriage by practicing celibacy in a relationship with me? So far they run for the nearest exit. -Desperate Housewife
Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E.: To me it’s all about the connection. Even though I’m a God fearing man that does not mean I’m tempted by lust of the flesh, but I also feel that it’s the dessert but not the full course meal. If the full course meal isn’t filling then you’re looking for other things to make you full, like dessert. However most of the time if your meal is satisfying there’s no need for dessert and sometimes your main meal is so filling you don’t even think about dessert. In fact you have enough for leftovers. Full course meal may consist of: Communication (great conversation), being a true friend, Honesty, Entertainment (like to do the same and try different things), Humor, just to name a few.
I have gained a significant amount of weight due to a medical condition. I hate the weight, it has lowered my self esteem and I am very insecure. My boyfriend says he likes the weight and I am more beautiful now. Last week he said my insecurities and low self esteem are starting to turn him off, what should I do? -Unknowingly Insecure?
Dr. Love: It is obvious that your recent weight gain is causing problems in your relationship indirectly. He has embraced you and continued to love you for who you are, but you are not happy with yourself. You hate the weight you have gained so I would start making an effort to losing it. You did not gain the weight overnight, so do not expect to lose it next week. If it was me, I would set weight goals for myself and strive to work on it monthly. It is easy for your boyfriend to say he is comfortable with you, but he is not you. When you start losing weight your self-esteem will come back and your insecurities will be a distant memory.
Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E.: I understand how gaining weight can be disturbing, I think we all have suffered from that situation. However YOU have to realize that your boy friend has already accepted you for you now it’s time for you to accept yourself. It would be different if HE didn’t like your weight and was the main cause of your depression, but from what you have stated he is in full support of you. But now he has to suffer from your insecurities. Insecurities , which cause low self esteem can be contiguous, so it’s understandable how he may feel turned off because he probably wants a happy healthy relationship, which isn’t asking for too much. God did not only want us to love him but love everyone else as well, but how can you do that if you don’t love yourself first. You have to separate from the pessimistic outlook with putting on some weight and be optimistic of all the blessing that the Lord has grace you with. You are beautiful, God knows this, your boyfriend knows this, now you look in the mirror and tell yourself “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 1/2 months. We have alot of fun together and get along really well. He is an only child and VERY close to his mom. They talk everyday. Everytime I ask to meet her he says it’s not the right time. I have invited him to my family functions but he politely declines saying we will meet families at a later date. Is there more to this story? – Just Wanting to Fit In
Dr. Love: I would say that he probably aware that you are not to his mothers standards, so he feels there is no need to introduce you to her. If a man is that close to his mother, then he usually wants a woman that has his mother characteristics. I am my mother’s only child and love her to death but I wanted a woman completely opposite of my mother. If you are inviting him to your family functions and he is declines, then that’s a sign that you’re the only one using titles. When I was single and dating ladies that I knew would go know where, I would not waste my time meeting their family. I had no interest in meeting her family and if she was nice I would make a nice excuse. You might need to revaluate your “relationship” and be real with yourself. That’s just being real and me giving you some free knowledge.
My boyfriend of 8 months has a 2 year old son. At first I was ok not being involved in their transaction of the son since we were just fooling around, but now that we are serious I feel it’s only right I meet the childs mother especially since I am always around the child. He said the mama is crazy and jealous and will not let him see his child if she knew he had moved on and was dating. Since our circle of friends are somewhat close he asks that I not mention that we are dating anymore and play it cool for a while. Whats up with that?! – Fool for Love
Dr. Love: SMH. It sounds like he is continuing to have sexual relations with his baby mother. Let me break it down for you 1. You got with him when his son was 14 months 2. I can assume with the age of the child that he was with the mother at least 2 years 3. If that’s his only child and he is a good man then somewhere in his heart he will attempt to make amends with his baby mother for the sake of his son. He wants you to play it cool, because word got back that you were fooling around and he lied about it. I think all baby mothers are somewhat crazy, because imagine bringing a life into the world by yourself and having to raise this life all by yourself. The guy is running around going to clubs and chasing women and you are living back at home needing the support of your family. That would make you a little crazy too and this is coming from a man. So let’s not give her a title of being crazy, because you really do not know what he is doing. You are in the dark and only being told what he wants to tell you. He might not pay child support and when he does she has to sleep with him. I seen it before and face it prior to having a child with him she was sleeping with him for free. Until she moves on then he will always have the opportunity to have sex with her. It is not about the sex, but the comfort she already has with him whether or not they are together. She might be comfortable with sharing herself with another man due to weight, and she knows her baby daddy won’t care.
Email your questions or concerns to drlove@gossipsister.com. Dr. Love will respond every Friday, and Mr. I.N.S.P.I.R.E. will input his advice as well!
