Charlie and I are married about 10 1/2 years with 3 kids. We knew each other for 2 1/2 years before we dated, dated a year, then were married 4 months later. Although I can say we have a wonderful marriage, it isn’t without it’s faults. And when it comes to 2 or more (kids) human beings living under the same roof, there will be aggravations, frustrations, and all out wars. But, that doesn’t mean that the whole picture is bad. Every day is new and provides new opportunities for us all to make better choices in being more like Christ. Isn’t is awesome that we get that chance?

I was married before as well. I dated him for 4 years, part of which was our engagement. Married 7 years and 2 kids later (the youngest 18 mo.) when I walked out the door. Stayed married in hopes of reconciliation for 3 years before filing for divorce. We saw 4 different counselors and 2 pastors for guidance, but got no where. Needless to say that baggage added to my new marriage.

All that was needed for what I’m about to say. I think I have some understanding of the situation.

I’m thinking that your situation has more to do with your dating time than your marriage. It is very common for long term relationships to have a lot of trouble (more than usual) once they are married. Many times it is due to the fact that after a period of time, and sometimes behavior, marriage is already there (without the certificate), but with the freedom of being single. After the actual marriage takes place, things go on as usual, but without the single freedoms. Then the marriage tends to be claustrophobic to some degree, and there is no break from unflattering behavior (unless you’re living together prior to marriage-then it’s mostly the claustrophobic factor). I’ve seen this in many relationships over the years, plus my own (my first). If some of this is correct, repentance is vital for things to change.

What you have here is 2 single people living in the same house with a license that says they are married. Scripture states what a marriage is, and when this happens, it’s because the 2 single people aren’t doing what they should be to fulfill God’s purpose in marriage. I’m not talking about who’s right and who’s wrong. You can’t base your marriage on what the other person does or doesn’t do. One day you, yourself will stand before God. Will He say, “well done?” We are all guilty of wanting our own way. Even to say we want our spouse to live their biblical life properly is our own way. Yes, God wants it too, but that’s between the spouse and God. It boils down to YOU doing what is right in God’s sight. You are only responsible for what you do. Now…the fact is this. You are married. If you love God and want to glorify Him, which is what He’s called you to do, you will do everything you can to fulfill what God has instructed you to do as a godly wife. It’s a high calling. How can you glorify God in this marriage? I sincerely, very strongly suggest that you follow Charlie’s recommendation to the biblical counselors. Even if you go by yourself to help you be a better godly wife. Whether your husband follows along or not, whether he chooses to end the marriage or not, is not something you can control. That’s between him and God. Following what God wants, you can not ask him to leave unless you are in some form of danger, that time away would be necessary for safety while receiving counseling to reconcile. Do not be fooled by the average “christian” counselor. They are often worldly based. You need the counselors which Charlie mentioned. They use only Scripture to base their guidance. The grass is not greener on the other side. It’s just different grass that still grows weeds. The weeds may be different, but destructive non-the-less.

I’m not the person who posted under the name ‘Tired of Being Tired,’ but as an administrator on this site I would like to say thank you for your dynamic feedback and concern with this readers issue. The information you provided here no doubt touched me, and I hope it did the same for’ Tired of being Tired,’ and anyone else who comes across it for that matter!

Thanks for stopping by (so glad you accidentally found us) and I hope you continue to check in with us and offer any other advice and comments of encouragement you may have. (Tell your wife about our site too!)

May God Bless You & Keep You!

Gossiper

I happened across this site quite by accident while trying to find a Bible verse I had forgotten the reference to. I saw your post and would like to add not my own “two cents” but hopefully a solidly Biblical opinion. First, the reason for marriage. We often think it is to complete us, or for companionship, or for “legalized sex.” None of these are what Scripture teaches. All of Scripture points to Christ in one way or another, and marriage is no different. The real purpose of marriage is to show in a tangible way the relationship of Christ and the church. Even if your husband does a lousy job of portraying Christ, you are responsible to portray the image of a faithful church. There are a few situations in which divorce is permitted, but it doesn’t sound like any of those are present here. I would highly recommend the book ” “Reforming Marriage” by Douglas Wilson. I don’t agree with quite everything in it, but his basic premises are better than most. You have the opportunity to show Christ to him and to the world by how you choose to act here. Most of the time, people who have been dating for 7 years have already made some bad choices, but that’s not for me to know. You have the opportunity to do right from here on out, however. I’m not sure where you live or even who you are, but if you can find good Biblical counseling go for it, even if you go alone. However, “biblical counseling” that is just secular counseling with Bible verses added that will probably make little difference. If you can find a member of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors that would probably be best. They are counselors who believe that Scripture is sufficient for everything. Period. If you go to counseling and grow in Christ, that is great. If he chooses to leave, that is his responsibility. If you win him over so he grows in Christ, even better. If you grow and absolutely nothing changes with him, you’ve still grown and been faithful to Christ. I marked this so I will be notified if you post back. I’ll try to help however I can and I’m sure my wife will help too if the need arises. She was married before me and has a bit of insight due to that. God Bless.

Basically you will have to stay poised through the whole ordeal and try to convey to him that this not something I want to do but feel like WE have to do this. Try to be the leader of the emotions and hopefully he will follow. Of course you have to understand most of the time breaking anything off with a person will never be as smooth or easy as you will like. In fact it may get a little ugly. Nevertheless try to stay poised, which is composing yourself to make the best reaction or response to the current situation.